Cards in a time of pain.

Several days ago, I was planning what my next post would be, (the importance of having a tradelist, if you are wondering) but that all came to a halt, as one of my very favorite people in the world, my Great Aunt, lost her battle with cancer. I didn't feel much like typing, or doing anything else for that matter. I would describe my mindset over the past few days as "devastated"...and I don't know when or how that feeling will ever go away. I am sure I will find some form of happiness again, even if it doesn't seem like it now, and it will probably come from my cards. (To be totally honest, happiness and myself are not usually concepts that go together to begin with) And that got me to thinking about the last time I felt this bad, which was when I lost my father to cancer, in 2002.

Back then I attempted to assuage my pain with a steady stream of new cards. A few thousand in a week was the norm in 2002.

It didn't work.

BUT...when I look back on those times now, I remember the cards....not always the specifics, but the big highlights I do- hitting 30,000 different NBA cards and having it feature my all time favorite player, hitting 40,000 different 6 months later, on my brother's birthday no less- I think back now and it does give me a smile. And I kept very detailed records on my collection (I still do) and when I look at my paper listings, and see all the different colors denoting each different day I got cards, well that...that makes me smile. I wasn't smiling too much at the time.

I don't remember much of anything else from that time, but I remember the cards. (even if I need a visual reminder from time to time).

As I sit here now, in pain again, cards once again help me. I can't afford to go nuts buying them anymore, as I now need to pay for very expensive medicine to keep me alive, but I'm working on my tradelist. I've been working on it now for a week today, and I still have a way to go. I've been able to distract myself, at least somewhat, for a short time. Able to lose myself in my cards, it's a hollow feeling, I'll admit- but it keeps me from thinking about the fact that I'll never see one of my favorite people again.

I was going to write up a post about how I lost myself in my cards (or tried to) after I lost my dad next month, which will be the 13th anniversary of when we lost him. But I had to write it now. It took me three days before I could even compose myself enough to create this post. I'm sorry that it's not a happy post, but I am not a happy person- especially not right now. I needed to get this out now, tomorrow is going to be tough as I will be going to her wake. Normally I don't go to them, I have in fact not been to one since my dad's. My health plays a large role in why I don't go. But I will be going tomorrow, and I know I won't be able to type this up tomorrow.

I will try and force myself to write up some happy posts in the coming week, each post requires a lot of concentration so hopefully that will help me in at least some small way. I do have several topics to write about.

2015 has started very badly. Not only did we lose my Great Aunt, we lost a 24 year old cousin to pneumonia, I've been sick since January 1st, although for the past week it's been more physically ill from grief than the cold I had, a friend from my scale model club lost his 26 year old daughter today, and my mom's health problems still cause me a great deal of worry. I didn't think it could be worse than 2014 was, but I was wrong.

Thank you for reading. Hopefully it gets better from here.