I've been thinking about it, and I think the general hobby malaise is due in large part to the cards being produced now. With every sport having an exclusive license, the card companies don't really have to do a good job in representing the sports...as long as they keep paying the league, nobody cares...except collectors, But, you know, we don't count. However....I felt this way a few times in the past. In 2006, it was a contributing factor in my walking away from the NBA for 5 years, something I now consider one of the biggest mistakes of my life. So it may not really be true...it may just be the apparently natural sense of "everything was better in the past" which, based on what I see on a daily basis on facebook, is what everyone feels about everything.
For me personally, there's a few other things that are contributing. The pain...I've been in more pain the past three weeks than I've ever been in my life, and I've been living in pain 24/7/365 for more than a decade. I can't do anything without suffering. That includes sorting cards...one of the few things that I used to be able to do with (almost) no trouble. The medicine that the doctor gave me helps me get through and function, but I can't say I've truly been able to enjoy anything...and I'm not sure if that will ever change.
I need to get used to the fact that this may be "the new normal"...which is a pretty horrible thought.
I've already had to give up almost everything I love due to health reasons. Now I'm facing the very real prospect of not being able to do the one thing that makes me truly happy- my car shows. I've already missed more than 10 in the past 3 weeks due to my health problems. And there's more than that health wise, but I don't really want to talk about it.
And that brings me to another point...which I may have touched on here before, but I've gone on about elsewhere in the past. All my life I've only had one real dream. That dream is to own a classic car, and be able to enter that car in our local car shows. I can remember thinking about this one and only dream as far back as the late 1980s. Yet, instead of making that dream happen, I've spent decades collecting various things- more than 160,000 cards, more than 10,000 diecast car replicas, more models than I can count- literally, I stopped counting when I hit 1000 in 2007, and more...those are just the main hobbies. I can't help but wonder if I've made a huge mistake doing that, and that I should have saved my money for a classic car instead of spending it on one of my many hobbies as soon as I got the chance.
I have these thoughts, but just this week I've bought two Star team bags, 2 packs of cards, and a model, plus a few singles on COMC. I had to mostly give up the diecast collection due to my health problems so it's been a few months since I added anything there. I'm wracked by indecision, constantly unsure if what I'm doing is the right thing to do.
And then there is the thought...what if owning a classic car turns out to NOT be fun? I don't have the physical ability to perform repairs it may need, which could prove to be troublesome. Our Jeep would have been able to be entered in the local show next year, and that's certainly caused me plenty of heartache- with much more to come.
I've been building it up in my head for so long- I can't remember a time when this thought wasn't in my head- that it almost surely can't live up to my expectations.
So what if I stop with my hobbies, and just save up money to get a car. What it if turns out terrible, as anything I try has a tendency to do, then what? Then I've got nothing to show for anything, and nothing to do. What if it's frustrating, and not fun? Yeah, I've got enough cards needing scans that it'll be a few years before I catch up, even if I never got another one. But eventually, I will catch up, and then what?
There's a very real chance I could give up the hobbies that help me get through each day, and the car dream not work out.
Add in the fact that I think my time to be able to truly enjoy car shows may be nearing an end, (due to the health problems) and I'm just really, really unhappy right now.
Another thing leading to my burnout...I have spent the last few days working on entering my cards into my Excel charts. I've discussed this before. I scan them, and when they fill up the plastic cases that I have, I sort them by person and enter them into my Excel chart.
For some reason, I'm not enjoying it like I should. This used to be my favorite part of the process but lately it just seems like busywork to fill time, instead of an integral part of the hobby. I put so much effort into these excel charts...yet other than telling me what I have, it serves no real purpose. Nobody besides me ever sees it, other than the few times I've posted screenshots. I've been doing these charts for 15 years now, so why the change? I think it may be my outlook being not particularly happy/good right now, to be honest. Yet, I wouldn't ever think of skipping it. It's too important to mess up, especially now, this far into it. I spend, literally, weeks doing this several times a year, and lately I've just been thinking "what's the point?"
Just so this post isn't totally devoid of photos, here's the contents of the wave of cases sorted by subject, before I sorted them out by subject and typed them in.
Another burnout cause- my scanner. It's been driving me nuts lately. Usually, I do a full page of scans, which is 9 standard size cards. Well, now, for the past month or so, it's been putting lines across everything. Usually, when it does that, it goes away after a few days, but this time it hasn't. It's gotten to the point where instead of removing those lines with PhotoScape, which is not hard, just annoying to do, I'm actually just doing 6 cards instead of 9 per scan. (the lines run top to bottom) Timewise, it isn't that much different, it's just frustrating. I've been using this scanner since 2015, and I put them though so much work that it's probably nearing the end of it's useful life. Just a rough estimation, I've made about 20,000 scans on this scanner, just since I got it in 2015. The scanner it replaced- which I still use for some things- lasted three years. The one that IT replaced, which I still use for neons- lasted me three years. Noticing a pattern? It's probably going to be time soon to buy a new one, but I'm going to keep using this one for as long as I can. I don't need to spend the money on a new scanner when this one sort of works.
Yet another cause of the burnout- the National. I really, really thought this would be the year where it would finally happen. It's my 30th anniversary in the hobby, and it's in Cleveland- which means I actually could have gone...if we had any money. I don't think I can handle the ride to Chicago physically, not that I would have any way to get there even if I could-my family won't drive there and I can't drive-and I really, truly loathe the roads in New Jersey. This felt like my last, best chance. Of course, it won't happen. As far as I know it's not returning to Cleveland anytime soon after this, but I could be wrong, as I've not really stayed up on it, as it's just too depressing. Again, I've built this up so long it probably wouldn't have lived up to my expectations, but it's just another disappointment in the same long line of disappointments I've been having in regard to this show, which I've wanted to attend since I found out it existed in the mid/late 90s. It would have been nice to actually get to a card show to celebrate my 30th anniversary in the hobby, and the National at that (I have not been to a card show since 2004 or 2005, I don't even remember anymore). But it would cost almost $1000 just to GET there- let alone be able to do any shopping there. (rental car, hotel and ticket fees). We just can't afford it. Needing a $500+ box of medicine, and it's just one of the medicines you need to stay alive, every week is challenging, to say the least.
To be honest, I didn't expect to actually get there. I don't really have expectations anymore. About almost anything. I've learned that things I look forward to, things I dream about doing...they either outright don't happen, or they turn out to not be what I expected them to be. If something good actually does happen, it's a pleasant surprise, but I just don't look forward to too much anymore. The one exception to that is Lake George. It never, ever disappoints. I just hope that I'll be able to enjoy it, with my mounting health problems that is something I am starting to fear won't be possible.
So what does all this mean?
Probably nothing. I know myself. I know nothing will change, I'll keep doing the same darn thing every day, even if I'm not enjoying it in the least- just like I've been doing for quite a long time now, because what else is there to do?
I'm sorry this came out so whiny. I know there are people with far worse problems than I have, and it makes me feel bad about myself that I'm so worried about hobbies when there are people struggling to survive...actually, I am kind of struggling to survive, but as long I continue to take the medicine I need I will...but I can't help who I am.
I'm not going to stop writing about cards. Cardboard History will continue as if none of this is going on behind the scenes. Once I get back to writing again (besides this post, which I just wrote last night) I plan to work more on the series I have long-neglected. I want the Encyclopedias and Uniform History to be the cornerstones of Cardboard History, and they have none of my personal thoughts or opinions in them as a general rule, other than I will mention if a person is a particular favorite of mine. It's been months since I posted in those series until yesterday and that needs to change.
For me, I think a lot of the lack of wanting to put some blog posts together is the weather. I'd rather be outdoors, doing something. When I am inside, I am still wanting to do something other than sit down and write. I have images for three drafts uploaded, I just need to sit still and do the writing. That's where my thoughts about my health tell me that I'd better do what I want while I can. Playing a game or reading or watching something cool etc.. are what I seem to be putting time towards. Fall might be better for blogging, just because I've already been searching for online classes. -Hey, I've been playing a new dieselpunk game on FB, Iron Rage. It's pretty cool, sort of what Dust Tactics and War Metal Tyrant could be if they merged. Long response, maybe I should've answered on FB. lol
ReplyDeleteI'd like to be able to be outside as well, but the heat and humidity does a number on me. I basically have to stay in the air conditioning all summer and actually do things in the fall through the spring. I have way cut back on my Facebook gaming, as it started locking up my computer or making it run really hot.
DeleteHey Billy, I think most hobbiests that’s to re-evaluate what they are doing every once in a while. It sucks the hobby is not like it used to be with card manufactures these days. Something has to change. I know there is really nothing I can do to cheer you up other than to say hang in there and you definitely are appreciated in this hobby. I hope everything can work itself out and I really love your blog!
ReplyDeleteThank you Ryan, I appreciate it!
DeleteI completely understand most of what you're saying here. I don't have dreams of owning a classic car, but there are other expensive things that I would kind of like to have -- the problem is that I'm incapable of saving money, and even if I were able to, would I be able to spend such a large sum on one particular item, I mean like you said, what happens if you buy that expensive thing and it ends up being not as great as you thought it would be, then what?
ReplyDeleteI've been dealing with depression for the last couple of months now, and while that's not uncommon for me, this bout seems to be the worst that it's ever been, toss in a few health problems (not nearly as serious yours), and it starts to make for a pretty crappy existence. Plus I have a birthday coming up in a couple of days, so I've been doing that thing where you say "OK, I'm now this age, and I still haven't accomplished anything of note", which is not a healthy thing to do, but I still can't not think about it.
I also understand you're wanting to do something else, but still continuing to the same thing day after day, for those of us with OCD tendencies, it can be nearly impossible to break a cycle/routine once you start doing it.
I too thought that this would be the year that I made it to the National, but I just can't do long drives, no matter how much I'd like to.
I'm sure none of this was helpful, but it's all I got.
P.S. I still think that you should try and write a book, maybe something basketball card related (a history of?) or how about a book about the ABA or the early days of the NBA? There aren't very many books about any of those topics currently out there.
Yeah, I understand completely. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't want to buy anything if it's more than $20. I've been there too...I'll be 34 in three months and not a single one of my goals have been met. It can get to you as you know.
DeleteI'm not sure a book would work, I give it all away for free here, haha.
Don't "what if". You are setting yourself up for disappointment when you think that way. "What if"s are negative thoughts that stop you from trying. Hell - you will fail. Not at everything, but some things just won't go perfect. Yet, if you "what if" yourself all day long, you never try, so there is no chance to ever succeed.
ReplyDeleteAnd that means you fail at everything.
You aren't wrong. Knowing it and living it though are two different things.
DeleteJediJeff is right on. If it's your life dream, then go for it! If it doesn't live up to expectations, who cares? At least you were out there swinging at life and your regret at 35 won't be the same one you have at 34.
DeleteSorry to hear you're in constant pain. As a guy who suffers from back pain from time to time, I sympathize with you. The idea that your pain never goes away and it's lasted over a decade truly saddens me. I hope things like trading cards and your die cast cars help take your mind of it for at least a fraction of the time.
ReplyDeleteAs for maintaining the blog or trading in your cards for a classic car... I hope whatever you decide to do brings you happiness. I love reading your posts and will be around to support your blog for as long as you're writing.
Thank you for the support! I will still be writing here as long as I'm able. Even if I never got a new card I have enough to write about for a long time. I have two new series that I have not even mentioned yet in draft stages in fact.
DeleteLooking forward to seeing what you have in store for us! :)
DeleteI'm sorry to hear about all you're going through. Try not to get wrapped up in feeling bad about sharing your problems. Just because other people in the world may have things worse, that doesn't mean that your issues are invalid or don't also deserve attention.
ReplyDeleteIt's also tough to play the what if game, as Jedi Jeff said. Maybe think of it this way - if you had saved up for the car, you wouldn't have spent that time enjoying your hobbies which I assume you enjoyed at the time. So it was still money and time well spent even if it means delaying a larger goal longer than you hoped.